Dear Jane,
I feel so humiliated putting this into words but I really need some advice.
I've just found out that my hubby of 20 years hit on my 28-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter) two years ago while I was away.
Last week, she finally confessed.
Apparently, he had invited her for 'cuddles' in OUR bed when I was out of the house on a business trip.
Thankfully my daughter laughed off his advances – but he didn't make it easy, telling her she had been 'teasing him for years' and really trying it on.
She said the secret had been eating her alive and felt she had to now tell me but begged me not to say anything to him.
Frankly, the whole situation has left me disgusted with them both.
DEAR JANE: My husband tried to CHEAT with my daughter (his stepchild)... but I can't divorce him for an infuriating reason
It makes me sick to think of him coming on to her, especially because he always treated her as if she were his own.
Her dad, my first husband, died when she was very young – and my second husband moved in with us when she was only 6 years old.
He'd walk her to school, help out coaching her little-league soccer team and even taught her how to drive.
It's made me question our entire marriage. I feel like a terrible mother for letting this man into our home. I can't look at him in the same way!
I must admit, too, that I'm hurt my daughter didn't say anything for two whole years. Does she not trust me?
But the worst part of this awful situation is that we think my husband might be suffering from the early stages of dementia.
He turned 75 this year and — after a few close friends pointed out some odd memory lapses and changes in his mood — we've convinced him to book a visit with a neurologist to take some tests.
He's been gradually getting angrier at home over tiny things like my 'backseat driving' and the TV shows I like to watch. He's also definitely becoming VERY forgetful and gets easily confused.
So what on Earth do I do?
I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him and move forward after what he did to my daughter. Things might have been different if he had hit on a non-family member; I might have been able to forgive that transgression. But this crossed a line.
I want to divorce him but am worried about my responsibilities when it comes to his health.
He has very little family of his own (no siblings and both his parents are dead).
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
From,
Disgusted and disturbed
Dear Disgusted and Disturbed,
First of all, I am so very sorry you are going through this.
It must feel like an enormous betrayal and I completely understand why it has you questioning your entire marriage.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column
I think it's crucial that you try and take a step back emotionally to fully assess the situation.
It does sound as if your husband is exhibiting many of the early signs of dementia– and, indeed, one of the common indicators can be a lack of inhibition, a loss of impulse control and all manner of changes in judgment and personality.
That doesn't mean to say this is any less serious, but it may be worth considering as a potential reason for what seems to be such an out-of-charter action.
The forthcoming appointment with the neurologist should give you more of an steer of where your husband stands with his health, and leave you in a better position to assess how to move forward.
If he is in the early stages of dementia, you can work with his doctors to look at caregiving options, regardless of whether or not you stay with him.
I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think you can make any big decisions until you have the full picture. If this new behavior is somehow related to his mental decline, something beyond his control, perhaps you'll find it in yourself to forgive him.
The one thing that does concern me in your letter is that you say you are also disgusted with your daughter, and I'm not sure where this comes from.
Your daughter was put in a terrifying predicament, one not of her choosing. It strikes me that the only possible reason she chose not to tell you immediately was to protect you from the enormous pain she knew it would cause.
Forgiveness is paramount here, as is compassion.
As much as your husband needs a support system, I would argue that you and your daughter do as well.
Whether that's in the form of a therapist or a support group, please seek it soon.
And if that self-protection ultimately means leaving him, and prioritizing youself, please ensure that you have your ducks in a row.
It may be helpful to keep a written record of your husband's behavior and any other incidents which could be of importance both medically and legally.
Wishing all of you peace.
